Why You Shouldn’t Marry for Love
Neuschwanstein Castle of Germany in Autumn. Illustrations by Margaret Bi.
I think most girls fantasize about their wedding day where they get to be a princess for a day and marry their Prince Charming because she fell madly in love. The average age for marriage is 27 for women and the divorce rate is 1 in 3. Personally, I find this very alarming because I always felt that true love was forever. If you married your partner out of love then it should last. However, that’s not the case and let’s start with why people, like me, believe love leads to happy marriages.
Disney tells little girls that marriages are magical and that’s how you become happy for the rest of your life.
How to be happy by Disney:
A Prince Charming finds you.
You fall in love.
He proposes and there’s a big wedding.
You live happily ever after.
To be honest, I think that’s kind of messed up to tell girls that they should get married because they’re in love and marriage will make them live happily ever after. I believed this idea because I wanted to be a princess. I looked up to these characters since I was a child. They have influence on what my dreams and goals are as role models for me.
“A Prince Charming finds you.”
Now, let’s look at why this idea is misleading. Firstly, Prince Charming isn’t ONE guy in the whole world like there is ONE prince in the entire kingdom. Prince Charming is someone who is compatible with you. Their strengths and flaws intermingle harmoniously with your characteristics and your personality. It is realistic for you to accept their flaws despite them being flaws. There isn’t just one, but rather tons of Prince Charmings who are uniquely compatible with you even if the first doesn’t work out. Thus, no man is the perfect Prince Charming. There’s no such thing.
Second, waiting for Prince Charming to find you is the most ridiculous idea. You miss out on a lot of people who don’t find you. Finding someone special requires a lot of work and some luck. The chances of a special someone finding you wandering in the forest is very low and also seriously very creepy. You need to get off your butt and out of that forest.
“You fall in love.”
You don’t fall in love. Period. You fall in and out of love with the same person over and over again until one of you stops trying. The magic happens in the trying part, not the falling.
“He proposes and there’s a big wedding.”
Let’s ask why marriages give us value in our relationships. Disney argues that marriages leads to happily ever afters. However, if you’re already in a satisfying relationship then why get married? What value does that bring to you? If the decision of marriage doesn’t bring any added value to your life then what’s the point? In this day and age, divorces are common and expensive. So have a good justification to get married. Don’t get married because you’re bored. Get married because it brings value to your life. Get married because your life will be significantly better after making this very important decision. Remember, people fall in and out of love so if your reason is “I’m getting married because I’m in love,” then you can’t help, but wonder what it is you’ll be holding onto once you fall out of love after marriage.
“You’ll live happily ever after.”
I think the idea of being happy for the rest of my life is particularly conflicting. The most meaningful experiences are not always the happiest. Sometimes, I face challenges that feel incredibly difficult and causes me a lot of emotional pain. However, in hindsight they made me stronger and more independent. Instead of focusing on happiness, it might be worthwhile to observe and appreciate interactions and experiences going on around us. Therefore, we might ask ourselves what is the point of chasing happiness and do we really need a Prince Charming to give us a superficial life?
Author’s Note:
Strong relationships should not require a legal contract that binds you to that person. Marriage should be a tool that adds value to your life rather than validating it. I have adopted this philosophy which is personal to me. I wanted to share this paradigm shift that occurred to me by challenging the fundamentals of what I was taught.